Team USA would surely win gold
The 2016 Rio Games kicked off Friday night, meaning millions of people around the world spent the weekend glued to their TVs, marveling at athletes in peak physical condition. Naturally, the observing of swimmers crushing world records and gymnasts defying gravity tends to stir up feelings of inadequacy for many.
If only we could abstain from those daily Frappuccinos and forego weekend-long Netflix binges in favor of hitting the gym, perhaps we too could one day have a shiny medal draped around our neck while thousands of fans cheer from the stands. If only there were a sport better suited to our abilities (despite looking rather silly, even race walking is a lot harder than it sounds).
One need only look as far as Twitter to see that people overwhelmingly want eating pizza to be the next Olympic sport:
If extreme weekend pizza-eating was an #Olympics sport, I'd be a gold medalist.
— Mairead Hanna (@jaredwithanm) August 8, 2016
Going for the gold in the 2020 Olympics for the pizza eating contest. Stay tuned
— Bb (@briaunnamurray) August 8, 2016
@danisnotonfire i suggest new olympics game: eating pizza in front of the tv watching olympics
— сирень (@melodiful) August 8, 2016
I'd win a gold medal if eating pizza in bed while watching the Olympics was an Olympic event. #Rio2016
— Cameron McAllister (@cammc) August 8, 2016
I just know I'd be a gold medalist if eating pizza were an Olympic sport #Olympics
— Gretchen Bachrodt (@gbachrodt) August 8, 2016
Even Team Canada seems to imply pizza-eating could maybe one day make it to the Olympic Games:
#MyOlympicSportWouldBe eating pizza.... duh! pic.twitter.com/5WeHNR35If
— Shay Mitchell (@shaymitch) August 3, 2016
@shaymitch Sorry Shay, eating pizza isn't in the Olympics (yet), so you have to pick another sport.
— Team Canada (@TeamCanada) August 3, 2016
If cramming 70 hot dogs down your throat qualifies for a trophy, surely pounding a heroic amount of pizza ought to qualify for a medal.
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